Confessions of an “Anonymous” Jobber
[Editors Note: When Steve the Jobber approached us about writing this piece, he said his one condition was that it would be “erogenous”. As we contemplated filing charges, we ultimately decided to proceed with the writing. Steve clarified that what he meant was “anonymous” by pointing to his mask, which clearly displays his name. We then promised to honor that request…but have found it funnier not to. With that said, here are the “anonymous” confessions of Steve the Jobber.]
Hi. I’m a large and intimidating professional wrestler. Pretty cool, right?
Like…when you watch us on TV…well, when you watch the people who wrestle on TV (I was on TV once but that was because I sprained my ankle in a pothole and sued the city of Tenino, Washington for $18 (USD)), you probably think “How the Johnny Heck is this real? How can these goliaths and golibeths lift each other over their heads, slam them down, then flawlessly execute a 630 dive from the top rope and still not have a single bruise on their body?”
Believe me, I was once like you.
But I’ve got a confession to make and I’ve been assured by the people who publish this magazine that my identity will remain secret.
Wrestling…isn’t real..ly all that it seems.
I know. Mind blown, right?
For instance, I am on the pathway to stardom.
I’ve only been in this business for 13 years and am still just a young guy paying my dues, driving veterans around, crying in my car a lot when the veterans aren’t around, and making money however I can. The money is NOT made through wrestling, that I can tell you. Most of my wrestling pay comes in the form of hot dogs, handshakes and sometimes high fives if we draw a good house. And thankfully, that’s all I need…except for gas to get home, a home to go home to, food, clothes, and that sweet sword I saw at the anime convention I snuck into last week.
So for money, I’m very enterprising. At least that’s what my Mom says. I wash cars and stuff when I’m on the road. Pro tip: if you just lunge at stopped cars with a bucket of water and a sponge in busy intersections, they can’t leave! HA! Sometimes they even give me money! Last trip I almost broke even on my car washing supplies until that old lady maced me and called the cops. One day I’ll even have some bail money back up!
Anyway, the boys call me a “jobber”. I’ve been told that’s because I always get the job done somehow. Currently my wrestling record is 0-306 but like I said, I’m still new to this. I’m only 37 and I know a certain Jacksonville billionaire has his eyes on me. Mostly because I accidentally backed my rental car into an AEW crew truck in the parking lot of Daily’s Place and have been sued in civil court.
But I’m REALLY hoping to impress him at the trial!
